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Intentions

Finding Stillness

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Finding Stillness

I’ve been thinking a lot about stillness this month. 

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My life feels like a series of snapshots that end up moving in a chaotic fashion. Every day is pretty structured, but do I ever get time to be still? I mean, really still. With a three year old and a one year old? Most of the time I am keeping up with diapers and deadlines. There’s not much stillness in my life. 

When I chose to do this challenge of knitting strictly from my stash this year, I didn’t realize that it would bring stillness. I haven’t taken great care of my yarn since we’ve moved. I haven’t had time to browse, to smell, to feel the skeins and hanks. In the time I’ve had, I’ve noticed myself going to the closet where my stash is stored and just looking. Admiring. I may have accumulated my stash out of a state of sadness, but each piece still holds a bit of love. Each piece has a purpose. 

I‘ve had many moments of discontent where I wish I had more sweater quantities, more naturally dyed, more fingering weight, more worsted- exc. 

But for the most part, I love my stash. I love the opportunity to make something beautiful out of nothing. That was probably the point of all the purchases in the first place. In my postpartum haze, I needed something tangible to create. To show that I have purpose. 

That’s what we find in the stillness. After the anxiety, the disappointment, and discontent fade away there is our purpose. We belong just because we exist. Nothing more. We can create something magical out of the loose threads of our lives. 

It’s agony for me to slow down and be still. I continuously want to move forward- to find success in busyness. I’ve never found success in that. So I must learn to be still. 

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Musings.

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Musings.

First of all, I hope that everyone had a wonderful holiday.  

Our Christmas was magical-thanks to a lot of good food, good people, and great moments.  

I’m currently on the road, heading back home from a long day driving up to Oregon to spread my mom’s ashes. It was our last chance before my boys and I moved to Florida and we lost our chance to give my mom a proper send off. 

We had failed my mother so often in her life, it was the least we could do to give her a proper send off in the place she loved so much.  

Today was filled with mostly good memories. California always seemed to hold good memories for my mother. We gave her back to the beach she used to camp in as a girl; and the beach that my sister and I first saw the ocean. We gave her back to the Redwood Forest; a place she was ready to move to the moment she saw it. We gave her back to the Oregon shore; the place of her dreams, the place she desperately wanted to move to   

Today was a good day. 

We chose these places because she loved them so much. We also chose them because these were places where the memories of abuse, poverty, and her disease were distant. These were places where my mother flourished and blossomed for a short time. Places in the world where she was completely and truly free.  

I hope her soul is at peace now. I hope that we did the right thing by her today. I hope that she enjoys the ocean breezes and the big big trees. 

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My mother’s free spirit is a large part of the inspiration for my patterns and website. She is always with me, guiding me, pushing me forward, and reminding me to live in the moment. 

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Trying for a More Simple Life.

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Trying for a More Simple Life.

Hello friends!  

I’ve been busy. Not so busy that I can’t blog, but it is what it is. I want to work harder to keep up my online presence. I feel like I have so much to share and so much creativity that needs to come out. Right now, I’m looking at my personal and professional habits and I am realizing that there’s so much about myself that I want to work on. Woah. It feels like the task is Everest and I’m at sea level. Oh man. Deep. Breaths. It inspires anxiety. 

I can do this.  

Here goes. 

One task on my personal growth list is being content with a simple life. What is a simple life, really? I guess what I am looking for is contentment with myself and what I have and what I do in the moment. That life goes slowly in many ways. That delayed gratification is a good thing and dang it I don’t need that dang apple watch. I think that living simply is different for everyone. For me, right now, it’s the idea of slowing down and letting go of the hustle. 

My stage of life, as a mother and aspiring writer and designer, it’s difficult to find the time, money, and resources to be good at anything. With a toddler and an infant it’s an accomplishment if I can find time to take a shower, let alone sit down at a computer and write and design. I’m not even allowed to be in my phone without my son wanting to look at pictures of his cousins. (There’s a chance this has been partially written while I’m on the toilet—how about that for a visual?) I love my kids, I love being a mom, and I want to spend more time engaged in their lives while they’re little. I also want to spend more time nurturing my creativity. 

In order to achieve both, I have to work on a few things. First I have to accept the fact that sometimes being creative is a slow process. The Sistine Chapel wasn’t painted in a night. My life isn’t Instagram perfect. No one’s life is. Secondly, I have to realize that consumerism won’t help me. I am the person they make ads for, and I have the credit card to prove it. Instead of drowning my sorrows in stuff, I need to be more mindful of my spending and make sure what I spend on is useful in my life. Thirdly, I have to be healthy for my babies, both mentally and physically if I want to keep up with them and be an active part of their lives. None of this requires much of me, except for the excruciating self discovery of why I feel I need to live the hustle.  

Slowing down has always been difficult for me. I hope my little experiment here helps me see why.  

 

a boy and his train

a boy and his train

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The Intentional Weekend

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The Intentional Weekend

How do you slow down when life feels so quick? Join me in taking some time over the weekend to fully appreciate life, and allow ourselves to just be for a little while. 

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